The STARZ network has been hyping Spartacus for a couple of months. I was dubious but thought it might be worth watching just for a strange variant of the Roman empire culture. Perhaps some cool vision of the political battles within the Roman world. A different perspective of the gladiators from a modern writer. Certainly not historically accurate but worth a glance.

I happened to be watching TV when it first came on. Six minutes later, I was watching something else. Had it been on any non-premium network, I wouldn’t have even made it to the first commercial.. I had pretty low expectations but I expected an effort of some sort.

Instead, I got a flashback within the first few minutes. Why bother flashing back when you haven’t even established a story? Start with it and flash forward. After that, you get some gritty action. Cool, a fight scene. Toss some in a some cinematic choreography depicting a fight to the death. A few special effects and that’ll overcome the slow start.

Sadly, no. The fight scene is happening. Choreography for it? Maybe there was an attempt but it was dominated by the special effects. Sorry, no, those were not special in any way. Sorry to mislead you. The effects were blood splatters — no splotches. Ones that could have been done in the 1980′s….wait 1970′s. I saw better in 1980 in the first Friday the 13th. After several minutes of watching splotches, I switched the channel.

Perhaps it got better. I for one will never know. The previews looked decent but they must have been the best scenes — not uncommon for shows covering our favorite genres. Sadly enough, I’d rate the 1978 KISS Meets the Phantom of the Park slightly higher on the enjoyment scale.

If you are in dire straits and considering this series, I have a few suggestions:

• Paint something then watch it dry
• Is an electroshock machine available on E-Bay? Bid first, then apply.
• Uhhh….

On a scale of 1-5 tankards of ale….. I’m headed to the bar to see what they have on tap.

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Tags: bile, spartacus, spartacus: blood and sand